yep

You're annoying when you try to fit in.

I'm sorry, isnt Michael the least liked one in the family?

I don't like uncertainty.
I think that is the new tone of the week.
I don't like not knowing what I am going to do with myself. With life. As an adult.
I don't like not knowing if I can down a few tablespoons of nyquill and not get high.
I don't like not knowing whether what I'm doing with J is going to work out or completely blow up in my face.

I truly believe the universe is not sending me signs.
What the fuck universe?
Stop that.

This is ridiculous. I'm paying a zillion dollars and my eyesight for uncertainty?
I don't like it.

I wish I had a single thought the least bit legitimitate enough

Things won't change.
I already know it.
I'm hoping for something I know won't happen.
I should just start packing now.
In one ear out the other.
Examples from last week to tonight.
I'm speaking in circles.
Everyone else is too afraid of what they'll miss to change.
I shouldn't have to run away to live comfortably.
I'm sick and tired of it.
I need a change to benefit myself.

I'd fall in love with a man who could dance.

Today I got in a heated debate about Lady Gaga. Personally I love her! She's doing something for mainstream America that's going to add up someday. She's helping to bring art from the recreational activity it's become.

Tonight I'm going to see the flaming lips! I guarantee my mind will be blown away!

Untitled

Everything's connected.... right?
Karma. Serendipity. Laws of attraction.
Worry.
I'm worried about the future. My future.
What if everything I've lived for, done, acomplished or not is about to control the rest of my life. Is that the connection? Fear? Is this even making any sense at all? Sometimes I think about all the questions I have, but I never ask them. I hold it in for fear of what the answer will be. Have I really become this numb, cold being-afriad to trust what's infront of me?
I'd rather drink a bottle of wine to myself, alone at night anymore then feel anything. I keep putting myself in these situations where I know I'll end up hurting someone, but it's like- I dont care anymore.
I think I'm destined to be unhappy and unsatisfied. For the rest of my life.
Even that sounds more morbid then intended.

Why do people make the choices they do? It's probably unfair of me to ask that considering I am a prime example. Is it really so cliche as to say it's 'life'?
I don't know if I buy that.
It doesn't help that I've been listening to downers all day today.
I had a good time yesterday though.
I saw Duchamp's 'Fountain'. One of them at least. They had the exhibit down at the Warhol and they really did a great job for comparing the two artists as wild and shocking for the times. I wish more things now-a-day's were more shocking.

Some of it was sad.

Yesterday...was awesome.

Damn These Wild Young Hearts

I went to coffee today with Jon.
It was weird, nice, fun, interesting...i liked it?
I really don't even know what to say right now.
Like Jon...is Jon..the boy I grew up with.
My first boy best friend.
My first 'boyfriend' (kindergarten relationships count right? haha)\
I can't even think of the words to describe anything.
He joined the marines and just got back from bootcamp.
I haven't seen him since I moved the summer before junior year.
But...it's Jon.
And the goodbye was kind of awkward...
I can't read him.
I can read anyone else when they're in person.
But I can't read him.
Why do I care right now? SHUT UP BRAIN!



I read my tarot last night for the first time in a long while. I started with the 2 of swords reversed...and ended with the page of cups... I'm kind of freaked out.
Life is slowly starting to fuck me over I think...
I hate consequences.

Dead In The Water

My uncle's a drunk. A heroin addict too. Bet you didn't see that one coming!
He's an asshole, but my family will never get rid of him.
Mom thinks this time we will, since he threatened my dad's life.
We'll see.
I hate how they can't see just how much it's fucking everyone else up. Or at least me.
I hate that man.
HATE. (keyword)
Another reason to be thankful I now live in GBG.
Apparently Zac's been poping morphine pills and oxys too.
Guess he changed.
I had a really good weekend too! Untill the drama....
Went out to bar room saturday night<3
Danced my troubles away.
Liz's boyfriend was there. We danced. Came home to a facebook message from him. He thinks I'm beautiful and has a crush on me.
Fuuuuck.
Do I tell Liz or not?
-Well, if she finds out it's more shit for me if i dont tell her...
-It's kind of creepy her BOYFRIEND says this to me...
-She's one of my best friends...
I told her.
I need to get weed.
I keep thinking to myself oh, I'm going to quit smoking i need the money.
I'm going to quit drinking too.
The chances of either... slim to none.
I think I'm getting to the point where I'm just done feeling things.

I'm going to start a new diet.
Cigarettes, dancing, and protein bars.
Except I lost my pack of smokes from last night...

You cant fuck a corpse in a coffin, you might get splinters

Last night was great.
Finished off my mango vodka.
Lu had been pregaming since noon.
The boys came over.
We got wasted.
Played Kings... One of the rules was to keep your hand in your pants up to your wrist...boys.
Mike D was hitting on me last night. Didn't realize it till he left.
Lubug blacked out <3
Smoked a bowl of fine ass headies.
Stayed up till 6 in the morning. There's never anything on tv at that time.
Woke up and filled Lu in about last night.
Smoked a bowl of fine ass headies.
Went to Chipotle. I've decided I really don't like chipotle.
only had 1 class where we finished watching 'The Devils Backbone'.
Then... I went to work...
Lately, I dont know about the cd warehouse. It's totally an awesome job, but now suddenly the drawers have been short like the past few times I've worked. It happened once like last month or a little longer where we were short $30. That was my fault. I guess I took the guys 50 and 20 and thought he handed me 2 50's. But after that it's been off 3 times with Casper, although the store only knows of 2 since Casper and I both put in $5. It was off last night by $20 and I was working with Di. WTF? And my hours have been a lot shorter lately. A LOT. 10 hours this week, 10 hours last, and I think 12 the week before? Is this job really worth all this frustration? I mean shit, I'm already about to blow my brains out over school and now I get to stress about my job.
Are there ugly snaggle-toothed trolls hiding behind me? Because, I have no other explanation.

You cant fuck a corpse in a coffin, you might get splinters

Last night was great.
Finished off my mango vodka.
Lu had been pregaming since noon.
The boys came over.
We got wasted.
Played Kings... One of the rules was to keep your hand in your pants up to your wrist...boys.
Mike D was hitting on me last night. Didn't realize it till he left.
Lubug blacked out <3
Smoked a bowl of fine ass headies.
Stayed up till 6 in the morning. Theres never anything on tv at that time.

Like a Dog That Beg's for Something Sweet

Here is your Today's Sagittarius Horoscope

Soak up as much information as you possibly can today -- you've got to make sense of it all before you can make much progress. It's a good time to quietly troll the net for more data.

Progress? I feel like I don't know the meaning of that word.
And making sense of it? That's just a whole phrase without meaning right now.



I couldn't wait forever for you to come around.
I tried for too long and lost myself along the way.
Your negativity never worked for me, but your blue eyes made me weak.
I would have danced with you until the end of time, had you only given it a try.
But your legs were weak and senses closed to try to love yourself,
and in that wake you lost our love and the smile ran from my face.
You chose paranoia on your heels instead of my soft curls.
And in your fight with reality, I knew we were never meant to be.



I find myself more and more... devoid of emotions lately. Which is odd. I love emotions. I just refuse to partake in the act of emotion.

List of Things to Do:
Finish Reading The Zookeepers Wife
Write paper on The Zookeepers Wife
Write Urinetown Review