All Things Come In Time.

It rained all day today. I don't know whether it was a sad sort of rain, or a calming reminder. The past week has been a bit of….a blur (for lack of a better description.) My sister passed away on Monday, August 1. She battled with breast cancer for 3 years, and it finally took her. It rained on Monday as well, but not the gray sort of rain. In fact, the sun was still shining and above the dark clouds there was the bright light of the sun. I think that the earth was crying for Charidy but at the same time g-d must have had a bigger plan for her. The chemo never truly worked with her. It was all her strength and her tremendous will to live that kept her here so long. G-d wanted her from the start.
Charidy was above amazing. You knew when she walked in a room. Her loud laugh still rings in my ears. I know that with her death everyone keeps saying “At least she’s no longer in pain” but it still isn’t fair. I do believe in g-d and while my ‘religious’ beliefs may not match and compare with my upbringing I will say this…. g-d…you’re a bit of a douchebag for taking away a bright light in this world. (don’t hate me for that!)
I feel that mentally…I’m still in shock, but I can’t keep crying. She’d slap me. I’m lucky to have an amazing family and to have been sisters with such a loving woman. I wish it wasn’t so hard for my father and that I could do something to ease his pain. I know in time things will get better, but it still hurts to see the grieving from my family. Char had this spark in her…anyone who met her loved her. She has a husband who loved her very much and 3 of the most amazing kids ever. Sydney is just absolutely so intelligent and beautiful, and it breaks my heart that she is about to be 12 the end of this month and she cant have her mom. And the boys… Clay (6) is quite the shy little guy sometimes but when he opens up he has the same smile as my sister. And Pierce (5) is such a little trouble maker! And a ladies man already! Never in a million years did I imagine something like this could happen to our family. I think that’s what get’s me the most. I don’t hate reality for the cruel joke it played but it sucks. It just sucks.
I felt that my sister and I were finally developing that sister- sister type of relationship... There is a lot of distance in our ages: her being 40 and I only 22. But for never having lived with one another and only sharing the same father we have weird little odd things in common. My dad points out our left ear. We both have the same left ear where towards the top it looks like there’s a little tiny nibble taken out. Dad always told me he bit it off when I was little but obviously that’s not true. Then a couple months ago I was writing something in front of Sydney and she pointed out that my handwriting is the same as Charidy’s. We both write in all Capitals. We’re both tall, curly haired, fair skinned women. It’s nice to remind myself of these things we had in common. It just sucks that they’re only memories now. Everything is just different now. As I sit here I keep trying to think of any sort of explanation but things are about to get way worse…I think the saying “the calm before the storm” should switch though. After every storm, it’s like the earth has some sort of new beginning. Like it wiped away the days before hand, like erasing a thick line with a shitty eraser. I hope some good will come of this? Hopefully bringing my family together more... I can’t predict the future though. Does this get easier? I know nobody reads this out there in internet land…but maybe I’ll get some sort of answer… I don’t know.
I can’t picture what Thanksgiving or Christmas is going to be like. Or how birthdays will be spent. And graduations. Or Steeler games… But I guess I’m not supposed to know. I guess you truly can only take things one day at a time. I will say this… I not only lost my sister but I lost one of the biggest supporters of my artwork and for that I AM pissed off. But for everything else, while it is sad now, we were all blessed to have her in our lives and I wont be mad for that. Now I might just be babbling…I don’t know. I guess I’m just trying to use words to get by. Love you sister… and I look up to you more than you ever knew.

March 10, 2011

My life has flipped a complete 180. I personally feel it's for the better for me. I guess it is a little selfish of me to say, but I quit caring about other people before myself long ago. It is my choice to live like this now. believing in self-actualization. Maybe because of this I have changed a lot since I was younger. I’m basically just sick of taking the skunk.
It’s interesting to see how my environment is weeding out the people that were toxic to my air. Some- I never thought would happen others I’ve pushed away personally. I can’t say that I am entirely happy but I can’t keep living in an unreal existence. Admit your faults and admit to your wrong. As for others? Well, you can’t change their false realities and playful demons. My past has a bitter-sweet taste to it but as I’m sitting here on the couch, with ANOTHER potential snowstorm on the run, I’m smiling because Ive found my peace. I have the motivation and am no longer tied down by someone else’s demon. I’ve already got my own that I need to confront and deal with. I can’t be focusing on another person’s right now. The only person I can guarantee that will be in my future is myself, and I like that more than all the marshmellow latte’s in the world!

I do have one thought to a certain someone in my past.
I truly am sorry for the way things ended between us. I realize now, and I know it’s too late, just how much my own personal satisfaction and want drived me to –I don’t know… think I’m better than you? I should have been there trying to help you instead of letting you angers push me away. I knew something was wrong and I think I just chose to ignore it. I ran away from you like I always do in matters of the heart. I cant take back or justify anything I’ve done but I do wish things could be different. I can’t even imagine how much you are hurting right now. And I know that I am the last person on earth you want to talk to right now so I will say this here: You’re father was a great man~ a little odd at times :) but he was a man with a great smile. This reality you have to deal with is probably crushing you but you have a lot to look up too and further better yourself now as a man. I really am so sorry. Life sometimes just throws us such cruel, dark turns, but the sun will still come around again. Things won't ever be the same but hopefully you can look towards the better days.